GOON SHOW: TLO 51225
8TH SERIES: No 24
1st BROADCAST:
Script by Spike Milligan
GREENSLADE: Down with the Light Programme. It’s war!
W – A – R, pronounced –
GRAMS: (Recording – slightly
faster.) MILLGAN: WAAAAAARRRR!
SECOMBE: Mister Greenslade….
GRAMS: (Recording – slightly
faster, and vary speed at end) Bugle playing charge.
GREENSLADE: That’s the call! CHARGE!
GRAMS: Horses hooves galloping off.
Distant artillery.
SECOMBE: They must be fighting over this month’s O.B.E.
allocations.
BRUCE MILLIGAN: (Australian)
I know I haven’t had mine yet, Pat.
SECOMBE: Peter Sellers, forward!
SELLERS: (T model ford)
Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrp. Parp! Parp! Parp! Parp! Brrrrrr…. Hurry up Tim. Hurry up. I’m
on my way to buy a new motor car Tim.
SECOMBE: You’ve only just bought a new Rolls.
SELLERS: Ah, but it’s facing the wrong way Tim. It’s facing
the wrong way.
FX: Phone from cradle.
SELLERS: Hello motorcar man. Hello. Hello. Hello motorcar man.
Can you send me a catalogue of motorcars facing the other way please?
FX: Phone into cradle.
SELLERS: Thank heavens that’s done Tim. Perhaps I can get some
sleep now.
SECOMBE: What’s the matter? Aren’t you sleeping?
SELLERS: No, I’m trying to give it up Tim. You see I keep
hearing voices all the time.
ORCHESTRA: HARP - Ghostly glissandi
LALKAKA: (Reverb)
Oooooooooo! Mister Sellers! Mister Sellers! Wake up. There’s a speck of dust
under the mud guard.
SELLERS: What! What! What! What! What! What! Tape record that.
Tape record it quick! What!
FX: Boots running
frantically down stairs.
SELLERS: Where’s my trousers? All hands to the pumps.
OMNES: Frantic
shouting.
FX: Door opens.
SELLERS: Hurry up men! Look under the axel there. Come along men.
FX: Door closes.
SELLERS: Alright. Got it. Mister Drury , have this speck of dirt
flown to Rolls Royce to be serviced.
MAD MILLIGAN: Alright mate.
SELLERS: I’ll just make a tape recording of that. Hello.
Hello. Have this speck of dirt flown to Rolls Royce to be serviced. Hmm, yes.
I’ll just play that back now…
GRAMS: (Recording. Slightly faster
playback speed) SELLERS: Hello. Hello. Have this speck of dirt flown to Rrrolls
Rrrroyce to be serviced.
SELLERS: Wonderful. Wonderful. Wonderful. Now I’ll take a
flashlight photograph of me saying it. Um. Yes, F – 16 will do. Six feet, yes – (Continue
under)
SEAGOON: Hello folks. Hello folks, it’s sad folks. For ten
years he’s been stricken with cars, cameras and a touch of the old
tape-recorder. I’ll have to have him cured.
GREENSLADE: Part two. A gentleman’s rest home in
FX: Cuckoo whistle.
ECCLES: Come on nice doggie! Come out of that tree doggie.
Come on doggie.
SELLERS: (Off mic) WRONG
AGAIN MAD DAN! I’m not a doggie. I’m a motorcar. Mrs Plumber, I’m a motorcar d’
you hear!
ECCLES: Come out of that tree Mrs Plumber - the - Motorcar.
SELLERS: Brrrrrrrrrrp. Parp! Parp! Parp! Parp! Parp! Parp!
Parp! Parp!
ECCLES: Oooh! Here listen, I... Listen! Brrrrrrrrrrr. Parp! Parp!
SELLERS: What a thrill. You’re a motorcar too.
ECCLES: Yeeeeeeeh! Let’s go for a drive together. Oooh!
SELLERS: First say ah!
ECCLES: AHHHHH…
GRAMS: Jet of liquid. Bubbling.
ECCLES: (Swallowing) Ta.
SELLERS: Can’t go without petrol Jim.
ECCLES: I know.
SELLERS: Now bend down and I’ll start you up.
ECCLES: Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrr – parp, parp, parp, parp, parp!
parp!
SELLERS: (Self fade)
Parp! Parp! Parp! Parp! Parp! Parp! Parp! Brrrrrr…. Parp! Parp! Parp! Parp! Parp!
SEAGOON: How are they getting on Doctor?
ECCLES: (Distant) Brrrrrrrr
… Parp! Parp! Parp! (etc)
GRYTPYPE: Not very well I fear. By purging I’ve cured his tape
recorders. But the car is rather deep rooted. That is why I’ve called in that
great military M. O, Doctor Jim “Drop-‘em” …
FX: Side whistle.
GRYTPYPE: …Moriarty, temporarily confined to his body.
MORIARTY: Hello Neddy. The only way to cure him of cars is to
make him believe he is a horse.
SEAGOON: Why?
GRYTPYPE: Why not?
SEAGOON: Why, why - not?
GRYTPYPE: Why not? Why - why – not?
SEAGOON: Knick knock knick kno …
GRYTPYPE: Knick knock knick knoo knickie knee knah!
SEAGOON: Well if you put it like that I agree. Pronounced –
GRAMS: (Recording) MILLIGAN:
Agreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
GRYTPYPE: Bring him to this address.
SEAGOON: Right. Peter! Peter! Puss, puss, puss, puss, puss,
puss!
ECCLES: Meeeow! Meeeowwuuuu!
SEAGOON: You’re not a pussy.
ECCLES: I am. I know my rights. Meeeowu!
SEAGOON: I’ll soon fix you. Where’s the vet?
ECCLES: What? No, no! (Sudden
chicken attack) Buck buck buck buck buck buck!
ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC LINK
GREENSLADE: The scene – the outpatient’s department
of a bombed car-park.
SELLERS: (Approaching)
Barp Parp! Parp! Parp! Parp!
ECCLES: Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!
SEAGOON: Alright lads. You can pull up here.
GRYTPYPE: Ah. Welcome. Welcome. Now Mister Sellers, just lay
back on this consulting ground would you? How are we today?
GRAMS: (Recording. Slightly
faster.) MILLIGAN: Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr – parp! parp! parp! parp! Erp! Erp!
Ahh-haup! Brrrr - parp! parp! parp! parp! Phwwwwi – phwwwuuu …
GRYTPYPE: Oh, are we? Well Moriarty, roll up his sleeve.
FX: Tearing of cloth.
GRYTPYPE: Taa. Now this may hurt just a little…
MILLIGAN: Arrrghhhhhh!
GRAMS: (Recording) MILLIGAN: Aergghhhhhhhhhh – (Add
in screams, drunken football crowd and psychotic whistles. All speeded up.)
GRYTPYPE: There. That wasn’t so bad after all was it?
SEAGOON: Yes. But why did you do it to me?
GRYTPYPE: Becausssssssse – iyye – ooooraw – iyyyyi. I want you
in my power. In three seconds that injection will turn you into a chicken.
SEAGOON: Ha, ha, ha! You don’t expect me to – (sudden chicken attack) Buck buck buck
buck!
MORIARTY: Quick. Get him onto this perch.
GRAMS: Iron door snaps shut.
SEAGOON: Let me out!
MORIARTY: Lay! Lay!
SEAGOON: I’ll write to the farm board about this. I’m no
chicken.
GRYTPYPE: You said it Ned. Swallow this chromium Max Geldray.
MAX GELDRAY
GREENSLADE: And that ends the Goon Show for this week.
ORCHESTRA: ‘Old Comrades’ playout. (Short version with tatty ending.)
GREENSLADE: Well, we appear to have finished a little
early so here is next week’s Goon Show.
SELLERS: Next week’s Goon Show will be about REVENGE!
ORCHESTRA: POINTILLISTIC LINK. Ends with tatty chord.
MILLIGAN: Hoi!
BLUEBOTTLE: (Distant)
Hey!
FLOWERDEW: Yes, yes, every little helps - as the old lady said when she ate. (Cut?)
SELLERS: Next week’s Goon Show starts in a moor swept Manor on
a windy day. The Master paces the floor.
GRAMS: Hurried footsteps
approaching, fading, approaching and fading.
SEAGOON: Curse. Curse. Curse. Curse. Curse.
CYRILL: Sir?
SEAGOON: Any message of consolation from the Palace?
CYRILL: Er, no sir. No.
SEAGOON: He’s a lot of good, isn’t he? My life. There we were,
dressed up like idiots, popping little buttons into a cup and still no signs of
a knighthood.
CYRILL: I know sir, and I’ve had the man on the roof all day
keeping a lookout.
SEAGOON: Put another in the cellar in case he comes by
underground. I tell you, I should have been knighted.
CYRILL: Well, if you had been - (ha he he he he he) I think
you’d have been the shortest knight of the year. Ha ha ha…
FX: Pistol shots.
CYRILL: Arghhh!
FX: Body falls to floor.
SEAGOON: Gad! He’s allergic to bullets. Up you get crutty!
CYRILL: Oh, you hurt me d’y’see.
SEAGOON: Yes, well, this doesn’t really happen till next week.
CYRILL: Oh.
SEAGOON: Now. Place this picture of the
CYRILL: Right.
SEAGOON: Right.
GRAMS: Three sharp pistol shots.
SEAGOON: That’ll teach them a lesson.
CYRILL: Have you finished with me now sir? Could you help me
on with this gas mask and de-contamination suit sir?
SEAGOON: What are you going to do?
CYRILL: Your laundry sir.
SEAGOON: It’s a lie I tell you. I’m a most hygienic fellow. I
air my socks three times a day and I pay my rates you understand.
GRYTPYPE: Yes, but you’re still the laughing stock of the
tiddlywink world.
SEAGOON: Who are you?
GRYTPYPE: My card.
SEAGOON: My fist.
FX: Thud on board.
MILLIGAN: Awwwww…
GRYTPYPE: Pronounced…
GRAMS: (Pre-recorded) MILLIGAN:
Owwwwwwwwwwww!
SEAGOON: State your business.
GRYTPYPE: Immediately. First a mere formality. This is Count
Jim Groins…
FX: Stick in jam-tin.
Rapid.
GRYTPYPE: …Moriarty, winner of the perforated vest award for
the butler’s revenge contest, and owner of a ‘do-it-yourself’ marriage kit.
MORIARTY: Hello Neddy. Neddy, what a nice man he is. Neddy,
Neddy. Hello nice Neddy…(etc. raves)
GRYTPYPE: Neddy, we have a plan for revenging your tiddlywink
defeat.
SEAGOON: Plan?
GRYTPYPE: Yes. You’re going to challenge
SEAGOON: Leaping? I’ll start at a disadvantage. I’m the lowest
man on earth.
GRYTPYPE: No comment.
MORIARTY: Don’t worry Ned. We have here two rocket propelled
boots.
GRYTPYPE: Yes. By pressing two buttons we can rocket you to ten
thousand feet Ned.
SEAGOON: Gad. Then I’m bound to win. Hahahahahhaaaaa….bound to
win…ha hum. Yakamoto!
YAKAMOTO: (Rapid Japanese
sponing)
SEAGOON: Take a letter on a penguin.
YAKAMOTO: (Rapid
Japanese)
SEAGOON: Men of
GRAMS: Penguin squawking. Continue
under.
SEAGOON: The Royal champions challenge you… challenge you to a
leaping contest… signed Ned. Let’s hear that back.
GRAMS: Penguin and piano music
hall routine – (from ‘Insurance, the White Man’s Burden”, slightly faster.)
YAKAMOTO: Hello.
SEAGOON: Splendid! Now to try the rocket boots.
MORIARTY: Right. Hold tight. Go!
SEAGOON: Ahhh!
GRAMS: Sudden burst of gas.
GREENSLADE: Meantime, in another part of next week’s
Goon Show, an illicit grouse shoot is taking place.
ORCHESTRA: BLOODNOK THEME
GRAMS: Series of explosions.
BLOODNOK: Oooh. Oooooh dear.
(Something is cut here.)
Oh. Oooooo dear, here comes a huge pheasant! Me guns!
GRAMS: Grape shot.
SEAGOON: AHHHHHH!
BLOODNOK: Got ‘im.
SEAGOON: Oooooooooh!
FX: Body thuds to the
floor.
ELLINGTON: Major! This is very strange bird. Its wearing boots
and they’re smoking.
BLOODNOK: I don’t know how they can afford it.
SEAGOON: Awwwwww!
ELLINGTON: He said ‘owwwww’.
BLOODNOK: Alright, alright. I speak the language. Wait a
moment. I recognize the shape of that voice.
FX: Opening old
newspapers.
BLOODNOK: Where’s me old newspaper cuttings? Here they are… Ah
ha! Oahhhhh! It’s Private Seagoon, late of the 1st Heavy Things.
Ooahhh! Ooahhh! Ooaaahhh my dear! Just look at that terrible swelling in his
wallet.
FX: Zipper opening.
BLOODNOK: I shall have to remove the pressures.
FX: Paper currency being
counted.
BLOODNOK: …twenty four, twenty five…thirty. there. Poor, poor
fellow.
SEAGOON: (Coming around)
Aaahh! Oh, where am I?
BLOODNOK: Steady lad. Steady! You need nourishment. Here’s the
menu. Order freely.
SEAGOON: What do you recommend?
BLOODNOK: Special today – just on the market, one second hand
army dinner, twelve shillings.
SEAGOON: How old is it?
BLOODNOK: A young forty three.
SEAGOON: No, I’m sorry. I’m going steady with an irish stew.
BLOODNOK: Oh, a broth of a girl! Oh-hhhahahaha! Oh dear, oh
dear. It was jokes like that made me the toast like Mymushlike.
SEAGOON: What’s Mymushlike?
BLOODNOK: The back of a bus. The immortal line!
SEAGOON: Kindly leave the army!
BLOODNOK: You look like a sporting man. How would you like to
buy half-shares in my knees?
SEAGOON: Your knees aren’t worth anything.
BLOODNOK: No now they’re not, but invest them while the market
is cheap lad, because tomorrow – who knows? my knees might rule the world!
Can’t you see the Financial Times; BLOODNOK’S
KNEES UP FOUR POINTS!
ELLINGTON: Major, look! A peasant.
BLOODNOK: Ohh!
GRAMS: Double barrelled shotgun.
MORIARTY: Aaaahhh! Awwwraghhh!
ELLINGTON: You fool Major! I said peasant not pheasant!
BLOODNOK: Oh! Oh dear. [Something
is cut here]… laundry marks!
SEAGOON: Laundry marks? That’s old Alf Mark’s dad!
ORCHESTRA: TATTY CHORD IN
C. THIN CYMBAL SNAP AT END.
BLOODNOK: Every one a genuine handwritten Monkhouse!
MORIARTY: Now come on Neddy. We must get back to eating
practice now.
SEAGOON: Shhh! Listen Moriarty!
MORIARTY: What?
SEAGOON: There’s someone hiding inside you.
MORIARTY: What! It must be a
SEAGOON: Yes. Say ‘ahh’.
MORIARTY: Ahhhhhhhh!
SEAGOON: (Reverb) Anyone
down there? I’d better go down and see.
MORIARTY: Under you go.
FX: Footsteps down
wooden stairs.
SEAGOON: (Singing)
Dum dum dum dum dee dee…
GRAMS: Distant bubbling of
cauldron.
SEAGOON: So that’s what he had for breakfast. Hm. I’d better
go further down.
WILLUM: It’s quicker in the lift, mate.
SEAGOON: Right.
GRAMS: Ancient lift, doors close, hiss
of machinery.
WILLUM: Going down. Fourth floor – adam’s apple, tonsils and
that wobbly bit at the back. What floor d’you want mate?
SEAGOON: Bottom.
WILLUM: Oh. Bottom floor. Liver, giblets and a dirty great
lump of suet pudding.
SEAGOON: Thank you. By the way, where’s the nearest exit?
WILLUM: There.
SEAGOON: Ah, an ear’ole. And there’s an eye looking in!
WILLUM: What’s the matter, don’t you trust us mate?
GRAMS: Cauldron bubbles.
SEAGOON: Gad! Soaked! Moriarty - you filthy swine, stop
drinking tea up there. Hello folks! While I dry my teeth here’s the whole
cunning of the Ellington Quartet.
ELLINGTON: Oohhhh, I’ll get him for that, cor blimey!
RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET
LALKAKA: I’ll be putting it here sir. Mr Panerjee will put it
here, you understand.
PANERJEE: Alright, alright. Putting it in there.
LALKAKA: You are understanding it.
PANERJEE: Would you first get permission of this gentleman.
LALKAKA: Pardon me sir, you are living in this house?
SELLERS: (As A. E.
Matthews) Yeees.
LALKAKA: We are going to put a lamppost here now.
SELLERS: I’m not moving from here until you take that blasted
concrete lump away!
LALKAKA: Oh, good heavens…
GREENSLADE: That was in the nature of a bravado sir.
However, next weeks Goon Show we come to is part two. Spelt T – W – O, and
pronounced…
GRAMS: Recording (Milligan)
TWWWOOOOOOO!
GREENSLADE: Unbeknown to Neddy, Bloodnok has revealed
the secret of the rocket boots to the
FX: Till. Coin in tray.
BLOODNOK: Thank you gentlemen, thank you. As an old light blue
I thought it my duty to tell you all.
UNDERGRADUATE: I say, Seagoon’s an absolute bounder sir!
FX: Door opens.
SEAGOON: Hands up! Don’t make a move you
BLOODNOK: Don’t be an eleven plus fool. Take your medicine like
a Neolithic man sir.
SEAGOON: Never! I’ll take to the hills of
GRAMS: Horses hooves into
distance.
SEAGOON: (Singing. Over)
“We’ll keep a welcome in the hillside…”
HERN: And so began the legend of Ned Seagoon – outlaw. For
months the dreaded cry rang out –
SEAGOON: Hands up! Your tiddlywinks or your life.
BANNISTER: Owwww! Oh dear. Oh dear Henry, it’s a masked bandit
riding a tricycle, side-saddle!
CRUN: Ohhh. Get behind me Min.
BANNISTER: Ooowwwh!
CRUN: Now sir, one step nearer and I’ll brandish this
shopping list at you.
SEAGOON: Very well, I’ll have you both searched from top to
bottom.
BANNISTER: Me first!
FLOWERDEW: Oh, don’t get excited dear. It’s only me.
BANNISTER: Oooo!
FLOWERDEW: No tiddlys on her dear… or him. Makes you want to
spit doesn’t it.
BANNISTER: Oh dear. Thank you. Ca… ca… can we go free?
SEAGOON: If you’re in the woods,
yes. Now then, this is the plan. Tonight we attack
BANNISTER & CRUN: (Variously) Good night sir.
SEAGOON: Good moooooorning!
TUTTI: (Variously)
Mooooorning…. Moooooooorning!
SEAGOON: Tonight we attack Trinity College Cambridge, the
heart of the tiddlywink country.
ORCHESTRA: EPIC LINK.
GRAMS: Fade in bells of
ECCLES: Four o’clock…(etc.
rubbish) … CUCKOO!!
SEAGOON: Now men, this is how we get them to come out.
MILLIGAN: What?
SEAGOON: (Shouts)
FAAAAAG! FAAAAAAG!
GRAMS: Running boots – very small
size. Start very far off, approaching gradually, then suddenly very close. All
speeded up.
BLUEBOTTLE: (Panting)
What is it, Jones minor?
GRAMS: Sharp belt.
BLUEBOTTLE: Heuo-heoughh! Oh my legs.
SEAGOON: Where’s the
BLUEBOTTLE: No, I will not tell …Oooo. Suddenly sees
studio audience. Hello everybody, and if you’re listening at home hello Eileen
Briggs. I told you I was on the wireless didn’t I?
SEAGOON: What are you doing?
BLUEBOTTLE: I’m talking to my bird
at home.
SEAGOON: You dirty little devil you!
BLUEBOTTLE: Argh aoeugh!
SEAGOON: Take that and that..
FX: Various sized sticks
on shins and jam-tins.
ECCLES: Heogh! What’s going on here?
SEAGOON: Nothing.
ECCLES: Oh, well I’ll clear off then.
SEAGOON: Eccles, come back here.
ECCLES: What, what, what!
SEAGOON: Swallow this bullet and keep this child covered.
ECCLES: (Swallows) Ok.
SEAGOON: I’ll go and destroy the
GRAMS: Whoosh.
ECCLES: Don’t move. This blanket’s loaded.
BLUEBOTTLE: ‘Ere, whose side you on then Eccles?
ECCLES: I’m on the Royal Champion’s side.
BLUEBOTTLE: Ooh.
ECCLES: ‘Ere…
BLUEBOTTLE: What?
ECCLES: I went to
BLUEBOTTLE: Cor! What happened?
ECCLES: I got thrown out.
BLUEBOTTLE: There’s still romance left in
ECCLES: Yeah.
BLUEBOTTLE: Ooh. Looks like they’re hard to get.
ECCLES: Not if you’re trying to break into the Palace it
ain’t. Hehaahaheeehough!
BLUEBOTTLE: Can I be the man who sees that no-one
touches it for you?
ECCLES: ‘Ere, they made a record of this lump. Listen, I’ll
play it for you.
GRAMS: Slapstick on shins. (Recording)
ECCLES: Owww! Piano chord in C. Distant ‘hoi!’
BLUEBOTTLE: Oh, what a lovely thing to pass onto your
children.
GREENSLADE: Meantime, Neddy’s about to destroy the
BLUEBOTTLE: Oohh!
FX: Explosive timer
being adjusted.
SEAGOON: Hahahaha! I’ll soon have this safe opened. Hehehe! Got
it. What??
SPRIGGS: Hands up Neddie Seagoon. Hands up Neddy Sea-goooooon!
SEAGOON: Curse. It’s the captain of the
SPRIGGS: Oh Jim! Oh Jim! Oh Jim! Oh Jeeem! We’ve been waiting
in this safe for you Jim, spelled J – I – M, pronounced …
GRAMS: (Recording) SPRIGGS:
(Octaves) Jeeeeee-eeeeeeeeem!
SNAGGE:
(Recorded) You’ve been a cad Seagoon.
SEAGOON: Ah, ho ho ho! John Snagge!
SNAGGE:
Your conduct as a royal champion has been disgraceful.
SEAGOON: (Crying)
SNAGGE:
I must ask you formally to hand back your tiddlys.
ORCHESTRA: “Hearts and
Flowers” scratchy violin solo. Under.
SEAGOON: (Crying) Oh
the shame, oh folks the shame!
SNAGGE:
I have here a royal proclamation that you be taken to the tower and
incarcerated.
SEAGOON: Oo, oo, oo, oh - aah aah ahhhh! Not that. Not that!
SNAGGE:
First, as a penalty you will raise your right leg; you will face east; and you
will sing the tiddlywinks national anthem.
ORCHESTRA: INTRO.
SEAGOON: (To
the tune ‘Men of Harlach’) All the nations are before us
With
their Sputniks and Explorers.
What
can confidence restore us?
Naught but tiddlywinks.
On the fields of
Commoners were beaten.
But today our patriot play
This sport which needs such grit and concentration.
Rule this game of skill and power
And her stronghold, shield and tower
Must be tiddlywinks!
ORCHESTRA: PLAYOUT.
ECCLES: (Over)
CUCKOO!
GREENSLADE: That was the Goon Show, a BBC recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe, Spike Milligan and John Snagge with the Ray Ellington Quartet, Max Geldray and the orchestra conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan. Announcer Wallace Greenslade. The programme produced by Charles Chiltern.